


Can I Steal Your Pain and Shed It Away?

by GilgaNyan (NarryEm)



Series: Untold Stories of the Rebellion [1]
Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Emotional Sex, First Time, Fluff, Frottage, M/M, Post-Time Skip, Referenced PTSD, Riding, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-01-06 19:33:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12217500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarryEm/pseuds/GilgaNyan
Summary: “This is all a performance, never forget that.  Shakespeare once said that all the world’s a stage so I shall be its playwright.  This story will be mine and so shall the moment to come.  I will rewrite the fate of the world so it shall never see great perils and evils ever again.  For that, sacrifices are necessary.”** Takes place in the one-month gap before Lelouch declares himself Emporor**





	1. Overflowing Emotion that Can Cross Over Time and Capture Me

**Author's Note:**

> all titles from “Continued Story” by Kuroishi Hitomi. Looking up the lyrics and remembering the scene made me tear up.  Such a perfect ending ㅜ.ㅠ

 

“So that’s it,” Suzaku mutters.  “You really are going through with the plan.”

Lelouch nods.  He tugs at the collar of his shirt with his forefinger, a habit of his that Suzaku has witness on numerous occasions.   It’s no wonder that the pose developed into one of their secret signals.  “A fitting end for the demonic villain.  Zero Requiem shall it be.”

Suzaku smirks.  “You know, there are certain moments when you sound like a prince.  Like just now.”

“I’m not a prince, remember?  I killed the Emperor so going by that bastard’s logic, I am the new emperor.  We need this plan to execute without a fail, and your role is crucial.”

Suzaku looks around the ruins.  The place still gives him the creeps and he hopes that this is the last time that he will have to come to this place.  He can feel Lelouch’s gaze piercing through his thoughts as he stalls for time. 

“And here I thought that you would be little happier about finally getting Euphy’s revenge,” Lelouch jokes.  Although his tone is too grave for it to come off as a joke.

Lelouch holds out his towards Suzaku.  He wonders if his eyes are full of contempt or if Lelouch can see the fear and uncertainty mixed in.  He probably can.  Lelouch has always prided himself on being a few steps, if not dozens, ahead of people around him, especially his opponents.

“Suzaku?” worry seeps into the prince’s—no, former prince and current emperor—voice.  “You know I can do it: grant a Geass called hope upon people around the world.  I always thought to myself that you can’t go around killing people unless you are prepared to die yourself.”

“I guess that’s where the Zero Requiem will take us,” Suzaku quips.  “You want me to stab you during an international broadcast so that everyone can see you die in real-time.  I can’t believe that you’re crafting a sword just for that.”

“As I will craft many things.  This is all a performance, never forget that.  Shakespeare once said that all the world’s a stage so I shall be its playwright.  This story will be mine and so shall the moment to come.  I will rewrite the fate of the world so it shall never see great perils and evils ever again.  For that, sacrifices are necessary.”

Lelouch’s eyes waver when Suzaku grabs his hand and shakes it firmly.  He takes a few steps towards Suzaku.  “And with a play as dramatic as ours, we can’t always do what the heart wants.”

“What do you mean?” Suzaku asks.  Damn.  Lelouch’s face is too close to his, close enough that he can feels Lelouch’s breaths on his face.  There is no escaping the unwavering amethyst gaze.  He drops Lelouch’s hand as if it burnt him.

“Even when we were kids, you were slow.  Well, I won’t abuse my new power, not on you.  You _are_ my friend before you are my knight.”

Lelouch rests his hand on Suzaku’s cheek.  His hand is cold and trembling.  Suzaku lifts his hands to cover Lelouch’s.  He brings it down to his lips and kisses the back of it.

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“Now you’re just messing with me,” Lelouch laughs.  There is no menace behind his words.  “C’mon.  I want to go home, my dear knight.”

“Where _is_ home?” Suzaku wonders.

“Ah, that.  We can’t go to the Imperial Court in Pendragon until Emperor Charles’ comeback to the public.  There were several villas and country houses the bastard bestowed upon my mother while she was alive.  Of course, I can’t go back to Aries since it has a high profile.  Since her death, no one has been tending to any of her properties.  It’ll be rough but we will have to make do by ourselves in the meantime.”

“Some emperor you are,” Suzaku comments.

“There are worse things in life than a royal having to fend for himself,” Lelouch counters.  “Remember the rewards cards and sales coupons?”

“Yeah.  Okay.  Um, another thing,” Suzaku hesitates.  “How we will get off this island without getting noticed?  I’m the Knight of Seven and C.C. is the target of a witch hunt. And no doubt that the Black Knights will personally hunt you down,” says Suzaku.

“Suzaku, have you ever seen me without a plan?”

He shakes his head.  Lelouch smiles in reply.

“Let’s go home.” 

 

 

~

 

 

It’s times like these that makes it easier for Suzaku to forget that Lelouch is of royal blood.  He looks right at home in the kitchen making their meals and he is such a nag when it comes to cleanliness.  Speaking of.

Initially, Suzaku thought he could fool Lelouch by stuffing his dirty pile of clothes and stray pieces of trash underneath the (unnecessarily) huge bed.   It’s a mystery how quickly Lelouch found which room he was using since the mansion they are staying at has dozens of rooms.  Lelouch caught on to his tactics quickly and gave him a lecture about how a knight should present himself in front of others as well as in his private life.

“How do you know so much about the knighthood?” Suzaku asks as Lelouch tidies up the room, fretting and muttering curses under his breath.

“Every prince and princess get educated on subjects that will impact our lives.  Knighthood and class system, music and dance lessons, some foreign language since a lot of us are raised to be used in diplomatic missions. Doesn’t matter how much the Emperor cares for you, princesses are all required to have a knight assigned to them for formality.  Princes can have knights assigned to their personal security team if they wish it.  The lessons pertaining to royal mannerisms were always a bore and I kept skipping out on the lessons to play chess.”

“That sounds like something you would do,” Suzaku comments. 

He hops out of bed and helps Lelouch gather all the laundry into a single pile.  He wonders how Lelouch got the electricity to run in the place.  The mansion that they have been living in is on the outskirts of Pendragon, but far enough from the Imperial Palace to go unnoticed by the authorities who are still on the hunt for them. 

There are many mysteries surrounding their living conditions like how Lelouch is making his trips to the grocery store without getting noticed.  His Geass only works once on the same person, therefore, Lelouch must have other tricks up his sleeves.

What about Suzaku himself?  Has Schneizel concluded that Suzaku died going up against Charles zi Britannia?  Going against the Emperor was a suicidal mission to begin with.  If so, he was in for a surprise in only a few weeks.

“What?  Conning adults when I was not even half their age?” Lelouch’s words drag Suzaku back into reality.

For a moment, Suzaku thinks that he offended Lelouch somehow.  Looking into Lelouch’s eyes, however, he discovers that it’s the opposite.  Lelouch never liked to talk about his past but right now, he is smiling.

“Relax.  It’s just us two here,” he pauses for a moment.  “And C.C., but she’s buggered off to some corner of the house.  That girl never likes to stay still for long.  And to answer your question about chess, my mother didn’t let me play against adults too often.  She thought I would antagonise half the nobles by the time I reached adulthood at the rate I was beating them.”

“What is C.C. to you?” Suzaku blurts out.

Lelouch purses his lips.  “A co-conspirator.  Accomplice.  Partners in crime for the lack of a better term.  She gave me this power and helped me make it out alive to this point.  Her centuries’ worth of experience and knowledge comes in handy at times, I’ll give her that much.”

“Is that all she is to you?  I thought you’d describe her as more of a friend.  Remember when I found her hair in your room and thought she was your girlfriend?”

Lelouch’s face turns bright pink.  “Id-idiot!  You just never listened to me then!  I had no choice but to lie to you since you knew nothing of Geass.  I suppose she can be considered as a friend but never a lover.  There are fundamental problems with that.  Regardless, she still is a pain in the ass and slovenly.  I dare say that she is worse than you are at keeping her room tidy.”

“Your life would be so much easier and stress-free if you didn’t take it upon yourself to be a clean freak.  The mansion is not going to turn into a landfill if you leave it alone for a day or two.”

Lelouch drops the last piece of clothing into the laundry pile before he crosses his arms.  “You and C.C. have proven to defy that logic.  I can’t live in a pigsty so don’t you go around telling me what to do.  I’m your Emperor.”

“That’s how you’re going to play it?  Didn’t you say that I can drop the formality unless we are in front of other people?” Suzaku asks.

“Shut up.  I do what I want.  I will reclaim the name Lelouch vi Britannia to serve my purpose.  I have to start acting the part as well and you make the perfect test subject.”

“Uh-huh.  Your Majesty, I implore you to quit thi—hahaha!  I can’t, I can’t.  I won’t be able to see you as the Emperor even when you don the royal attire.”

Lelouch laughs as well.  “I’m glad to see that you can still smile and laugh around me.  Perhaps a small part of you has come to forgive me.”

Right.  The outcome of the Zero Requiem can never change the fact that Princess Euphemia died by Lelouch’s hand.  Since they left the island, Lelouch has explained to him that he no longer has control over his Geass powers.  He has to either wear contact lenses or tinted glasses around people unless he wants to put everyone he meets under his control.  That was what happened when the Princess wanted to give the Japanese their land back, albeit contained to a small area.

 

(There are other things they discussed, such as the mishap with Schneizel at the Kururugi Shrine.

“I’m so sorry that I didn’t notice that I was being followed,” Suzaku apologised.  He ought to be the one his knees begging for Lelouch’s forgiveness.  In fact, when Suzaku tried to do just that, Lelouch stopped him with a stern hand on his shoulder.

“It’s all in the past,” Lelouch stated.  “I betrayed you, too, the moment I went back to being Zero.  We can’t stay hung up on the past grievances if we want to reach for the tomorrow.  I simply don’t have it in me to hate you or anything like that.”

“You mean it?” Suzaku’s eyes are filling with traitorous tears as he peers into Lelouch’s beautifully purple eyes.

“Of course.”)

 

“We’ll see about that,” Suzaku says.  He scoops up two-thirds of the laundry.  “Let me help you with laundry.  It would be disastrous if you tripped and mortally injured yourself because you couldn’t see where you were going.”

“Thanks, Suzaku.”

“I thought royals weren’t supposed to thank people,” Suzaku snickers.

“I’m different.  And as I keep telling you, I do whatever I please.”

“You need to stop that too,” Suzaku says.

“Stop what?”

“Putting all the work on yourself.  It’s not healthy.  It’s not just you against the whole world.  You and I together can conquer the whole world.  The key word is _‘together’_.”

“I know that,” Lelouch grumbles.  He walks over to the door.  “Old habits die hard, it seems.

“It takes only a couple months to form new habits.  We have enough time,” Suzaku retorts.

“I don’t think emperors concern themselves with what habits they have.  We’ll be busy enough once Britannia is under my control.  And it’s just as they say; if you want something done right, you must do it yourself.”

“It’s impossible to win an argument against you,” Suzaku sighs, following Lelouch out the door.

“I know.”

The laundry machines are located in the hallway adjacent to Suzaku’s room.  A pile has been gathered in the hampers and Lelouch complains about C.C. never doing chores again.

“If we ignore the fact that C.C. is here, this is almost like being on vacation with mates,” Suzaku states.  “Also, ignore the fact that the Black Knights would love to have your head.  And mine too, considering that I still am a Britannian knight in their eyes.”

“A vacation, huh?” Lelouch echoes.  “Eight years ago, I thought that if I treated my staying in Japan as a vacation, the days wouldn’t drag on.  The storehouse was a dump and other kids enjoyed picking on me.  On top of that, I was still learning how to care for Nunnally in a foreign land.  But there was one thing that kept me going.  Two things, I should say.”

“Yeah?”

Lelouch smiles, and it’s one of those genuine smiles that Lelouch reserves for rare occasions even if it is tinged with sadness.  “You and Nunnally.  You were the first true friend I had.  You went from learning how to drive cars from playing video games to piloting the Lancelot. And today, you still are the only one who chose to stay with me.”

“You talk as if C.C. doesn’t have a choice.”

“C.C. and I are bound by a contract, the details of which you need not know.  We’ve agreed that my side of the contract will be fulfilled one way or another.”

“This contract. . .” Suzaku trails off.  “Was the Geass worth it?  You can never go back to the life you had at Ashford.”

“Neither can you,” Lelouch deadpans.  “The old Lelouch can’t come to the student council meetings and plan silly events because he’s dead.  And he has to stay dead so I can fulfill our plans.  I can’t be Lelouch Lamperouge anymore.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I didn’t.  And it will stay that way.”

Lelouch promptly starts the laundry cycle and walks out of the room.

“Wait, Lelouch.”

Suzaku reaches out to grab Lelouch in an attempt to stop him.  As luck would have it, he underestimates his own strength and tugs on Lelouch’s forearm too hard.  They both fall on the floor with Suzaku underneath Lelouch to absorb most of the impact of the fall.

Lelouch smirks.  “You know, if we were in a romantic comedy, right now would be the perfect time for one of us to confess his true feelings.”

“Wh-why would you say something like that?” Suzaku stutters.  Oh damn.  The way his cheeks are burning up is not helping with the situation.

“It was a random thought that occurred to me,” Lelouch answers.  He makes no move to push Suzaku off his body.  Suzaku gets the oddest feeling that Lelouch is amused by this predicament.

“Liar.  You are the most careful planner I know,” Suzaku retorts.

“So that means I am not allowed to voice random thoughts?”

“N-no . . .”

Lelouch grabs Suzaku’s face with both hands, squishing his cheeks.  “You are so oblivious.  How did you even become the most skilled Devicer in Britannia?”

“What’s that got to do with my skills as a Devicer?  And it was thanks to Dr. Lloyd’s whims.”

“Nothing, nothing.  I was hoping that it wouldn’t take the entirety of the Zero Requiem for it to happen.  I might lose at this rate,” Lelouch mutters to himself.

“Lose what?  You keep avoiding my questions and it’s starting to piss me off,” Suzaku growls.

Lelouch smirks.  “What will you do about it?”

It hardly takes any effort for Suzaku to restrain Lelouch’s hands.  Lelouch stares into Suzaku’s eyes, never breaking the hold as Suzaku ponders his options.  He honestly has no clue as to what game Lelouch is playing at.

“Quit playing games with my head and tell me what it is that you’re up to, dammit!” Suzaku explodes.

“Do you really want to know?” There it is, the haughty princely tone. 

“You made me promise that I will kill you.  I think this is the least you can do.”

“I’m already responsible for the housekeeping around here.  What more do you want from me, Sir Kururugi?”

“A goddamn answer, for one.”

Lelouch’s hand shoots out and wraps around the back of Suzaku’s neck.  He pulls Suzaku’s face down until their noses are touching.  Right before their lips make a head-on collision, Lelouch turns his face so that his lips press against Suzaku’s cheek instead.

“You’re bright red,” Lelouch whispers.  “Cute.”

“That’s cau-cause you ki-kissed me!”

“A kiss on the cheek is a simple greeting in Britannia and Europe,” Lelouch points out.  He is definitely amused by Suzaku’s reaction.

“Since when did you adhere to their rules?”

“Good point.” Is all Suzaku gets for his trouble.

“Let’s get started on lunch whilst we wait for the cycle to finish.  Your cooking skills, I can understand.  But I don’t see how C.C. has remained a terrible cook after living or centuries.”

“O-okay.”  He knows Lelouch, as he can be a stubborn asshole when he wants to be.  He follows Lelouch out of the room and they file into the kitchen.  Lelouch rummages through the refrigerator and takes out a bag of ingredients.

“We’re making soup from scratch,” Lelouch informs him.   “Can you take the vegetables out and chop them into even pieces?  Roughly an inch across should do.”

“Soup?”

“Yeah.  They had a sale on vegetables at the store the last time I went so I stocked on them as well as other stuff.  It’s easy so even a muscle-head like you can follow along,” Lelouch teases.

“I only set the bacons on fire that one time,” Suzaku retorts, pouting.

“Which consequentially ruined the breakfast.  Less talking, more chopping.  Don’t forget to wash your hands first!”

“Yes, mother,” Suzaku grumbles.

“I heard that.”

Suzaku grins.  “You were supposed to.”

Silly arguments aside, Suzaku can’t get the kiss out of his mind.  Perhaps that’s why his chopping skills are below average today.  When he inspects his handiwork, all he sees is unsightly lumps of vegetables in different sizes.

“Seriously?” Lelouch sighs.  The chicken he’s been working on looks each piece was measured out by a ruler.  “And you’re not even holding the knife right.  Here.”

Lelouch stands behind him and places his hands over Suzaku’s, his arms overlapping Suzaku’s.  This is the kind of scenario that Suzaku has only seen in cheesy romance movies.  So why the hell is it happening to him of all people?

“Don’t bend your elbows with each stroke,” Lelouch scolds.  “Keep your wrist straight.  You’re making too many unnecessary movements.  Just let me guide you through it.”

“Like this?” Yeah, Suzaku is starting to get the hang of it.  After a minute of rhythmic _tong-tong-tong_ on the board and Lelouch’s hands barely touching Suzaku’s hands, the vegetables are turning out much better.

“I’m starving, Lelouch.  What’s for lunch?” C.C. asks, sauntering into the kitchen, breaking whatever spell Suzaku was under.  She back-steps when she sees that she caught Suzaku and Lelouch in a rathe intimate moment.

“My apologies,” she says, not sounding the slightest bit sorry.  “I didn’t mean to barge in on you two newlyweds.  By all means, carry on.  I’ll give you half an hour.”

“C.C!  That’s not it!” Suzaku shouts, but the girl is long gone.  Damn C.C. and her sly words!  What was with that smirk?  Lelouch was right, the immortal girl _is_ a witch.

“What are you acting all flustered for?” Lelouch asks. 

Suzaku puts the knife on the cutting board before he whirls around to face Lelouch.  Lelouch’s face looks as though he is struggling to keep his laughter contained.

“I’m glad that at least one of us is having fun,” Suzaku murmurs.

“She didn’t mean anything by it.  She’s done something similar to me a year ago.”

It’s best that he doesn’t pry further into this subject, is what Suzaku decides.  The tension between them doesn’t dissolve as Lelouch stay standing right in front of him.

Suzaku turns back around.  “I can finish the rest by myself.  Th-thanks for showing me.”

“No problem.  Try to even out the size and I’ll get the stove going.”

It is exactly as Lelouch said; the cooking process for a soup doesn’t take much effort.  In fact, Lelouch has to bring C.C. to the kitchen as it does not take the thirty minutes she gave them.

“You two are both idiots,” C.C. grumbles after inspecting Suzaku and Lelouch.

“Can it.  You speak of unnecessary things,” Lelouch snaps.

“Teenage boys have less stamina than I remember, it seems.”

Her idle comment causes both Suzaku and Lelouch to choke on their food.  The twinkle in the green-haired woman’s eyes let Suzaku know that she meant it in _that_ way.

“C.C.!” Suzaku splutters out.  “You keep getting it wrong.  Lelouch and I are friends.  Well, now I am also his knight but that is beside the point.  Why do you keep accusing us of being something more than that?”

C.C. throws her head back and laughs.  “I’ve been around the world for way too long to believe that lie.  Not only are you two fools, but you are blind _and_ liars.  Make good use of the time that you have, both of you.  A few months is nothing but the blink of an eye and you will regret it.  After all, regret and remorse is only for those who are cursed to live on.”

Suzaku doesn’t realise that he has been gripping the spoon too hard until the metal bend with a faint creak in his hands.  Whilst he understands that C.C. is not fond of him, that doesn’t grant her the right to taunt him at every opportunity.  What’s worse is that she enjoys throwing Lelouch into the matter.

Lelouch stands up, the abrupt movement making the table shake.  “I’m done.  Good night.” His hushed words are barely audible over the din that C.C. creating with her eating utensils.  Lelouch has barely touched his food and it’s a shame to see it go to waste, especially since Suzaku and Lelouch collaborated on the dinner.

Left alone with C.C., Suzaku focuses only on eating his food.  He’ll reheat Lelouch’s dinner and bring it up later.  Lelouch has been in a dour mood on and off since their arrival at the mansion.  Suzaku suspects that the death of his parents (more so his mother whom he believed to be bad) and their betrayal has a role in his mood.  He won’t get anywhere if he goes to bed on an empty stomach.

“Lover’s quarrel?” C.C. asks.

“Drop it,” Suzaku grits out.  “Why are you so insistent on that?”

C.C. sighs.  “Because it’s so damn obvious.  Lelouch cares deeply for you and that boy has not stopped caring for you and fretting over you even after you became Euphemia’s knight and stood on the opposite side of him.  He refused to use his Geass on you because he respects you.  Either he is an excellent actor or he truly can’t see the fact that he loves you.  And it’s not just the friendly love I speak of. Ai. Or was it ‘koi’?”

“I don’t deserve love,” almost makes it past Suzaku’s lips.  Instead he says, “I betrayed whatever love he had for me when I served him up to the former Emperor.  I betrayed that love again when I let Schneizel use me to almost capture him.  I betrayed _us_ for the third time when I set out to kill the former Emperor instead of letting Lelouch have his own revenge due to my own grief.”

C.C. wolf-whistles.  “Such lengthy words from our little soldier boy.  Did you ever stop to consider Lelouch’s side of the story?  You talked those over with Lelouch already and all you’re doing, really, is picking at your own half-healed wounds.  You’re going to deepen the scars if you don’t leave the scabs to fully heal and fall off on their own. 

“Look, I get it.  Your past traumatises you and yes, I saw a glimpse of your worst nightmares over a year ago.  But it is ultimately up to you to be Lelouch’s strength and justice when his own brand of strength and justice fails him.  That is what you agreed to when the Zero Requiem was formulated.”

Suzaku’s hands are shaking to the extent that he can’t pick up the spoon and eat.  Why must everyone drudge up his past?  He hates it when people thinking reliving the past is therapeutic.  His memory of that event is bloodstained and nothing can help wash the blood off his hands.

“I’m gonna make sure Lelouch eats this,” Suzaku mutters.  He places his dishes in the sink and brings Lelouch’s share of the food to the microwave so that he can heat it up.  He doesn’t like how C.C. is staring holes into the back of his head.  He ignores the girl and leaves the dining room for Lelouch’s bedroom.

Lelouch chose the room that has large windows facing south, the panels adorned with stained-glass paintings and silk curtains.  There is a gigantic bed in the centre of the wall perpendicular to the windows, the bed itself parallel to the windows.  Couches, a coffee table, and other pieces of furniture also fill the space in the room.  The room is extravagant and it suits Lelouch’s new role as the future emperor.

“I brought you dinner,” Suzaku announces with a knock.  When Lelouch doesn’t reply, he walks in anyway.  Lelouch is sat on the edge of his bed, staring out the window.  The sun is setting beyond the horizon, its gold, orange and red rays lending Lelouch’s figure an ethereal glow.

“I said I don’t want any,” he grumbles.

“You’re regret it in a couple hours,” Suzaku says.  “I also didn’t want it to go to waste since we, er, made it together.”

“You are such a romantic.  No wonder Euphy fell for you.”

Suzaku ignores the remark.  He sets the tray of food down on the coffee table and sits on the bed on the other side of Lelouch, he back facing Lelouch.

“You don’t have to pretend,” he starts off.  ‘Death of a family member is traumatic even if you hate them.  Trust me, I know that killing your own father ways heavy on your soul.” His heart twinges with guilt and it takes all he has to keep the memories from flooding his mind.

“And _you_ don’t have to dig up your past to cheer me up or whatever,” Lelouch whispers.  He must have slouched down, since there is a shift in the weight distribution on the bed and Lelouch’s upper back is lightly pressing into Suzaku’s.

“Admitting that you’re hurting doesn’t make you a weaker being,” Suzaku tries.  “Sharing your vulnerability is what makes you stronger.”

“Speak for yourself,” Lelouch snorts.  “You should come back after you’ve followed your own advice.”

“I’m fine,” Suzaku grits out.

“But you’re not!  You need to stop it yourself!”

“Stop what?”

“It hurts!” Lelouch yells.  “It hurts me to see you hurting.  Don’t think that I never saw it.  Back at Ashford, when the pompous bigots bullied you for being Japanese, you bore it with a grin.  When your military duties gave you a had time, same thing!  Just because you killed your father _by accident_ doesn’t mean that you have to carry the guilt until you die!  You said it yourself that you only meant to scare him.  You were a kid and didn’t know your own strength.  Literally!  I didn’t want to see you throw yourself into suicidal missions thinking your death could atone for everything.  _That’s_ why I gave you the Geass command to live.  Are you happy now that you know?”

“And your death is different from my wish?” Suzaku rebuts.  He spins around only to find Lelouch’s face inches from his own.  They are both breathing heavily from their outbursts and Lelouch’s hands are raised halfway, uncertain of their next course of action.  “You’re running away from your sins yourself!  Tell me how it is fair that I am tasked with killing my _best friend_ for the sake of the world?”

Lelouch’s eyes turn icy.  “Is it not atonement that you seek?  The deaths on your hands, I shall dispel them with my own.  As the plan goes, you will avenge Euphy and other people I’ve killed with my Black Rebellion and give the world its gentler tomorrow.  You will rid the world of unification obtained through fear and return its peace and harmony.”

“I don’t—I don’t want to lose anymore people in my life!” the words seem to ricochet off the walls and sink into Suzaku’s skin like a thousand little knives.  Not unlike the blade that he had stuck inside the abdomen of his own father.

“The world isn’t fair so—Suzaku?” Lelouch interrupts himself.

Air has been squeezed out of Suzaku’s lungs.  Lelouch’s face is a blurry mess, clouded by the tears and ghosts of his past.  Even in his obscured vision, those familiar amethyst eyes remain crystal clear, full of concern and . . . fear?  Nonsense.  Lelouch doesn’t feel fear.  He creates and manipulates the primal emotion.

“Suzaku, breathe.”  Why?  There is no air left to breathe.  “Fuck.  Why did you even try to use this tactic?  Suzaku, I want you to take deep breaths.  _Please_.”

_You shouldn’t care.  I’m not worth. . . worthy of your . . .  I don’t deserve this._

“Damn you,” Lelouch curses.  “This is _not_ how I planned for it to happen.”

Before Suzaku’s minds can fully register the meaning behind Lelouch’s words, something warm and soft presses against his tear-soaked lips.  His mouth agape from his hysterical sobs, Lelouch quickly gains the upper hand.  The kiss chases away the dread of his memories, filling him instead with comfort and warmth.

Kissing . . . they are kissing.  _Why are they kissing?_   Suzaku’s eyes fly open and it’s odd to see Lelouch’s eyes closed as he continues kissing Suzaku.  It should be easy to push off the Britannian boy; Suzaku is a dozen times stronger than the thin-limbed genius.  Except he cannot.  His arms cannot break free of Lelouch’s fingers encircling them and if Suzaku were being honest, he doesn’t want the kiss to end.

Maybe this is what he has yearned for: finding love hidden inside the arms of a boy—no, a man—he knows.  Finding comfort, a home inside these lean arms that drove thousands towards their deaths.

Despite what Zero has done, despite the ghosts of his own past that refuse to relinquish their hold on him, despite the weight of the future that he has to shoulder, despite his rationality screaming at him to stop, Suzaku wants to cherish this moment.  He is _kissing_ Lelouch.  The first and only best friend that he has ever known is kissing him and he is kissing back.  The rest of the world falls away and it’s just the two of them who exist in the now and here.

He musters up the strength in his quivering arms to raise them and sling them around Lelouch’s neck.  A muffled, contented sound escapes Lelouch’s lips, and Suzaku wants to drink in all the sounds that are coming from Lelouch.  He didn’t know that such hunger resided inside of him until now.  The more of Lelouch’s lips and tongue and teeth he tastes, the more that his body craves and demands.

“W-wait,” Lelouch hisses as Suzaku’s hand slides under his shirt.  “Hold on for a second.  You’re still distraught and I didn’t intend to take advantage of your vulnerability.  I thought that . . . well, kissing you might stop you from hyperventilating.”

“It worked.  I’m still shaken but I feel better thanks to you.”

“So you’re fine with the kissing?” Lelouch reaffirms.

“Yeah. Wait.  What was that plan that you mentioned?” Suzaku queries.

“Ah, that,” Lelouch’s face flushes red all the way to the tips of his ears.  “We don’t have long but I didn’t want to rush what I feel for you.  I was ninety-five-point-eight percent sure that our feelings were mutual but I wanted to take my time confirming it.  C.C. thought that you were too dense and that I’d die before you realised where heart lay.”

Suzaku’s heart sinks at Lelouch’s casual mention of death.  It must have shown on his face since Lelouch brushes his thumb along of lines of curves of Suzaku’s lips as to wipe away the pain.

“Trust me, the Zero Requiem is the future that the world—and you—deserves.”

“How can you be so sure?  You won’t be here to be the judge.”

Lelouch sighs.  “I’ll always be here.  In your heart.  Oh wow, that was worse than I thought.  I’m proud of myself for saying that aloud.”

“Who’s the hopeless romantic now?” Suzaku says.

Lelouch sweeps the teardrops away from the corners of Suzaku’s eyes.  “Still you.  Can we go back to the kissing or do you want to argue about something?”

“Kissing _does_ sound more plausible,” Suzaku acquiesces.

With a triumphant smile, Lelouch kneels up to gain advantage as he pushes down on Suzaku’s shoulders.  While it would be fun to watch Lelouch’s snide expression turn into that of frustration by putting up some resistance, Suzaku decides he should just go with it.  Lelouch’s kisses does provide rather pleasant distractions after all.

Suzaku’s head hits a mountain of plush pillows as his backside lands on the mattress.  He knew that Lelouch could be high-maintenance but it feels as though Lelouch gathered up all the pillows from the other rooms in this hallway.  He isn’t given the chance to think more on the matter as the prince—emperor’s—warm hands traipse up his stomach and torso from underneath his rumpled shirt.

His muscles jerk involuntarily when Lelouch’s fingernails scrape one of his nipples.  The reaction doesn’t escape Lelouch’s notice; a devilish glint enters his violet eyes.  He pushes the shirt up rather than shirking it off, granting him full view of Suzaku’s muscled and marred torso.  A small crease forms between Lelouch’s brows as he inspects the small battle scars Suzaku has accrued over the years.  It’s a good thing that Lelouch can’t see his legs; there was a training session during which Suzaku took a bad fall and got a gash that ran from his kneecap wrapping around to the middle of his calf.

Lelouch lowers his head and closes his lips over the sensitive bud.  It’s impossible to hold his voice back when Lelouch’s tongue snakes out and flicks against the hard little nub, teasing and testing.  Yabai, yabai, yabai.  He hadn’t considered the possibility that Lelouch would be experienced in this sort of thing.  Why would he?  He has denied himself every opportunity to realise his love and under other circumstances, the embers of their love would have burnt out into a heap of black, smouldering remains.

(Shit, both Lelouch and C.C. were right.  He _is_ turning into a hopeless romantic.)

“Yame—Stop, Lelouch.  You’re the one who said you wanted to take your time with this.”

Lelouch cocks his head, lust burning in his violet eyes.  Suzaku swallows, getting the feeling that he shouldn’t have voiced that thought.  “There’s that, but what about this?”

His fingers press down lightly on the bulge in Suzaku’s trousers, eliciting a moan from the Japanese boy.  “You play dirty.”

“I can’t help it,” Lelouch scoots up and literally sits atop Suzaku’s hardening cock.  “You have the absolute advantage when it comes sheer physical abilities.  I need to level out the playing field somehow.”

Suzaku taps his fingers on his thighs.  The ache in his heart is mostly gone; now that he has discovered a new side to Lelouch, any thought not pertaining to his friend can hardly stay on his mind long enough for his brain to register.  Lelouch doesn’t give Suzaku the reaction he was looking for when he tentatively reaches out and cups Lelouch’s ass. 

The guy has always been on the skinny side and now that Suzaku has had the time to study his form, he really is too bony.  His sharp collarbones stand out even with the sleeveless turtleneck covering his torso, the edges of his shoulders appearing nearly angular.  When Suzaku runs his hand up Lelouch’s back and then down, he can feel every single rib and spinal disc.

A light bubble of laughter comes out of Lelouch’s pursed lips.  “That tickles.’

Suzaku smirks.  He runs his hands up and down Lelouch’s spine again, fingers curved into soft claws and wiggling them without mercy.  Lelouch all but shrieks at the attack, laughing until his face goes red again and giving Suzaku to the golden opportunity to swap their position.  Lelouch doesn’t seem too upset about being pinned down under Suzaku.  If anything, he goads Suzaku by hooking a spindly leg behind Suzaku’s ass to brings their crotches close together.

“I think that’s enough foreplay for now,” Lelouch suggests.  Suzaku nods. 

No verbal agreement need to be spoken before Suzaku gently crashes his lips against Lelouch’s.  He has missed the taste and shape and softness of those lips in the short minutes that their mouths have been apart.

Kissing Lelouch is the best thing the Suzaku never knew he was missing out on.  If the world wasn’t a terrible place, Suzaku would gladly spend all his days and nights kissing Lelouch, never leaving their bed.  _Their_ bed, in _their_ home, tucked away from the rest of the prying, selfish world.

But that wasn’t in the script that Lelouch wrote.  Their little haven was never meant to last and both of them have plans that need to be carried out.  So Suzaku will do everything in his power to enjoy this—whatever this will play out to be—when he can.

“Le—clothes—off,” Suzaku manages in between relentless kisses from Lelouch.  They are both hard but Lelouch doesn’t seem to want to take a break to take off their clothes.  Suzaku’s mind wanders back to the heaps of laundry.  Lelouch can whine about it later.  Suzaku makes a mental note to help with the clean up tomorrow.

But now, he needs this.  He gives up on the idea of baring more of Lelouch’s pale, translucent skin and focuses more on what is going on in his downstairs area.

Lelouch’s unabashed cries for more and more and more echo in the space between them.  His fingernails are digging into Suzaku’s shoulders but he doesn’t mind it.  The hurt reminds him that this is real and tangible.  If he sucks a little too hard along Lelouch’s clavicle, he will blame it on the heat of the night, the night when they first connected in ways they could not before.

(And if both of them sleep well into late hours of the morning due to not getting a wink of sleep until the crack of dawn, Suzaku will gladly take the responsibility.)

But for now, now he has Lelouch.

In every conceivable way possible.


	2. 'TIl We Break and Scatter Worlds Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays! I had to push myself to finish this before I made it anymore miserable for the characters.  
> pleasure was crammed in here and there.
> 
> Apologies in advance for romanji uses in the fic if that’s not your thang. It's time-skippy without specified time periods due to how the last episode went but I like to think that it adds urgernce to their story.
> 
> I borrow a lot of lyrics from “Continued Story” as well as “More Than Words” (from the Akito OVAs). . . . and new Taylor Swift songs. 

 

**_ A month later _ **

 

 

“Welcome back, Knight of Zero.”

The greetings echoes around him as Suzaku walks through the front gates of the palace.  Ever since he and Lelouch publicly claimed the throne and forced the nobility out of Britannia’s system, he has been sent on multiple missions to keep the uprising to the minimum.  Lelouch hypothesised that the uprising in mainland Britannia would subside once Suzaku demonstrated the unrivalled strength borne from the combination of the power of the Knight of Zero and the Lancelot.  Lelouch, as always, was proven right and Suzaku suspects he doesn’t have many mission of the same nature left in his future.

Back when he was a mere soldier, military training and missions seldom tired him out.  He used to think that was because his ultimate goal drove him to push past his limits and kept him energized.  However, since he began to serve Lelouch as the Knight of Zero, fatigue has been compiling on him.  He was still serving as a knight of justice to bring peace to the world, so why the change?

 _Hypocrite_ , his own voice accuses in his head.  _You lie to justify your betrayals.  You have never given your all to your so-called ‘just causes’.  Dress it up all you like but you still pulled the trigger that killed people.  You chose to swing that knife.  Murderer_.

 _‘You are_ my _knight of justice, and that is all that matters,’_ Lelouch’s voice soothes him.  Those words were first spoken to him when Suzaku returned from his first mission to fight the Knights of the Round.  The guilt he shouldered from having to battle his old comrades seemed to evaporate as Lelouch softly uttered those words and wrapped his arms around Suzaku, who had crumpled to the cold hard floor of the throne room.  They were alone in the throne room, but the fact that Lelouch, dressed in his emperor costume, got on his knees to comfort Suzaku pierced through Suzaku’s heart like a fiery arrow.

He has to keep up the formality now, at least in front of other people’s eyes.  A selection of the military leaders is waiting for him in the throne room, standing several steps below the throne upon which Lelouch is seated.  Lelouch looks too small, too frail as he is sat on the throne, his scrawny frame not big enough to fill out the glorified chair.  He was thin before, but he seems to have lost even more weight during his short reign.

 _His days on the throne are numbered,_ the same voice from before whispers to his mind.  _And you will see to that personally._

“Knight of Zero, Suzaku Kururugi reporting for duty, Your Majesty,” Suzaku says, going down on one knee and keep his eyes downcast.  He hasn’t gotten used to his own knight uniform yet; he thinks it is too gaudy for a knight, designed to match the emperor’s extravagant clothes.  The first time Lelouch gave him the clothes, he also had to show Suzaku how each piece was supposed to go on Suzaku’s body.  Every movement he makes results in fabric swishing everywhere.  He misses the simplicity of his old knight uniform and even the Ashford school uniform.

“Go on, Sir Kururugi.  You may raise your head,” Lelouch orders.

“The faction closest to Pendragon has been wiped out and with their remaining forces, the possibility that they will rise up again is highly unlikely,” Suzaku reports.  He looks directly into Lelouch eyes, the proud look in those violet eyes lighting a spark of happiness in his heart.  “The faction to the east of the capital have shown signs of conspiring with the Europeans but our naval forces will be able to shut them down within a week.  Of course, with your permission, I can personally aide them for a quicker victory.”

Lelouch crosses his legs, waving dismissively.  “That won’t be necessary.  I don’t want to abuse the power of the Lancelot too much.  We can’t maintain the fear the White Knight inspires if he participates in every trivial spat.”

“Thank you for your kind evaluation,” Suzaku says, bowing his head.

“I hear that you minimized civilian casualties.  You deserve more praise for that.”

Suzaku’s heart soars.  Somehow, Lelouch always knows the right thing to say at the right time.  That is hardly fair in a world that is already unfair.

“Thank you again, Your Majesty.”

“Is that all you have to report?” Lelouch prompts.

“Yes, Your Majesty.  No major changes have been detected on the Damocles and our spy network has confirmed that the Chinese Federation and the Black Knights are lying low as well.”

“As they will until Schneizel makes another move against me.  Those cowards lack the brains to think for themselves.”  Suzaku has to suppress a chuckle at that. 

“Very well,” Lelouch says with a clap of his hands.  “Meeting adjourned.  You can all leave, everyone except for you, Sir Kururugi.”

Everyone bows to their Emperor before they take their leave.  Even the guards are relocated to the spot right outside the doors to the throne room to allow more privacy for the Demon Emperor and the Knight of Zero.

Lelouch sinks down on the throne until he is nearly lying on it.  He looks like the eighteen-year-old boy he is, not the Emperor that commands the strongest nation in the world.  Suzaku was right about Lelouch losing weight.  His garish clothes hang loosely on his frame even though Suzaku remembers Lelouch being fitted for a new set of clothes last week.

“You look tired,” Lelouch is the first to speak.

Suzaku smiles.  “Says you, my little emperor.  I think I see dark circles under your eyes.”

“Such impudence,” Lelouch mutters, eyes crinkling up with fondness.  A mischievous glint with which Suzaku is familiar enters his violet eyes.  “I think I need to discipline you, my Knight of Zero.”

“I will gladly accept any punishment, Your Majesty,” Suzaku plays along.

“I thought this mission would take four days, no more than a week,” Lelouch says.  He gestures for Suzaku to come closer.  Suzaku obeys the command, as if drawn in by Lelouch’s magnetic field.  “Instead you came back to me in two days.”

“I will always strive to exceed your expectations, Lelouch,” Suzaku vows.  “But you knew that already.”

Lelouch keeps beckoning for Suzaku to come closer.  With a raised eyebrow, Suzaku keeps following the command.  Lelouch has not stopped even when Suzaku is crouched over him, waist bent to tower over the Emperor and their faces less than a centimetre apart.  Lelouch smells of new fabric, ink, and a hint of cologne that doesn’t overwhelm his natural scent that Suzaku can detect fresh out of their shared shower sessions. 

Their proximity reminds Suzaku how long it’s been since they last indulged in each other.  Lelouch’s new duties as the Emperor and Suzaku’s own duties as a knight has kept them apart in the past several nights that Suzaku was at the palace.  It’s almost embarrassing how quickly his body grew used to falling asleep by Lelouch’s side, missing the warmth and shape of Lelouch’s body on the days and nights that he had to be away fighting for Lelouch’s power and safety.

“Yes.  Indeed, I knew of your capabilities when I assigned that matter to you.  I just like to show the people that you deserve your title and public recognition.”

There is that word again.  Deserve. 

“But not nearly as much as you deserve to be loved, Su~za~ku~” A teasing tone seeps into Lelouch’s voice.  There he goes again, looking right into Suzaku’s heart as though it were made of glass.

Lelouch kisses Suzaku.  His fatigue shows in the slowness of his motions, letting Suzaku take control of their kiss.  Suzaku doesn’t have much energy left in his body either, so he is more than content to keep on kissing Lelouch until sleep overtakes them.  No one would dare to speak of it even if the two of them were found asleep on the throne together in the morning after all.

But sleeping in a warm bed surrounded by familiar smells and with Lelouch nestled in his arms sounds more appealing.  Suzaku keeps on kissing Lelouch until the burning desire in his veins grows too potent to ignore.  It’s especially hard to hold back when Lelouch nips on his lips impatiently.  The idea of advancing things on the throne does occur to Suzaku but he dismisses the idea quickly.  It was designed purely for showing the Emperor’s might and authority, so comfort was ranked low in its function.  Suzaku can handle it, but he knows that Lelouch’s tired body may not be able to.  Not to mention that fact that Lelouch’s pale body—growing paler by the day from, again, fatigue—is prone to bruising.  Lelouch himself does not mind that fact but seeing unintentional marks on his lover’s body always makes Suzaku feel queasy inside.

“Lelouch,” he whispers, their lips still pressed together.  He has to restrain Lelouch’s hands when they creep down to Suzaku’s groin.  “I’d rather do this on a bed.  _Your_ bed.”

“Really?” Lelouch affirms.  He pulls back his face so that he can smirk at Suzaku.  “Are you sure you can wait that long?”

Suzaku swallows.  He has learnt in the past weeks that they lived together that Lelouch can be quite the seductress when he wants to be.  The Emperor doesn’t think of his position on the nights that they do get to spend together.  He would rather tire himself out from the pleasure than stop after an adequate line, which often results in Suzaku taking care of the aftermath.  Dragging the Emperor out of his bed (quite literally!) on the following mornings has always been a nightmare of its own kind.

“The throne isn’t designed for comfort, Lelouch,” he points out.  “I don’t think either of us will enjoy waking up with sore necks and some unintentional bruises.”

“Hmm?” Lelouch hums.  He taps his fingers on Suzaku’s hands.  “Certain sacrifices are necessary for certain deeds.”

“No, Lelouch.  I can see that you lost more weight.  I want to put you to bed but I can’t do that to you when you are so . . . enthusiastic about this.  You can’t afford to be physically or mentally weak when we are at war with the world.”

Lelouch rolls his eyes.  “I thought I was alone with my lover, not my adviser.  Fine, if that is your wish, I will let you have it your way.  I wasn’t going to mention it since I can tolerate it but you do smell like sweat and someone who spent too much time inside a Knightmare.”

“Very funny.  Shall I carry you to your bed or can you walk by yourself?” Suzaku teases.

“I won’t turn down a free ride when you’re offering one,” Lelouch answers.  The sly tone of his voice makes it crystal clear that being carried isn’t the only thing Lelouch meant.

Suzaku picks Lelouch up in his arms bridal-style and half-jogs to Lelouch’s bedroom.  He didn’t take residence in the old emperor’s room, instead picking out the next biggest room to use.  Suzaku was assigned a room but he rarely sleeps there since Lelouch always wants to sleep together even on nights when sleeping is all they do.

Suzaku steps into the shower in the adjoining bathroom first.  He strips off the uniform, relishing in the release from those garish clothes.  He doesn’t wait for the water to warm up since the splash of cool water gives him a jolt of energy.

He is hardly surprised when Lelouch joins him in the shower booth, his body draped over Suzaku’s back.  With the way Lelouch’s bare body is pressed to his, Suzaku can feel the bones sticking out under the moonlight-pale skin.  Suzaku turns around after he enjoys the slow neck kisses trailing up and down.

Lelouch truly is a work of art, no, he is even more beautiful than something man-made like that.  Despite his thinner body and accumulated fatigue weighing heavy on him, there is no one and nothing that can compete with Lelouch for beauty.  Lelouch beams at Suzaku as though he knows exactly what kind of thoughts are flitting through Suzaku’s mind.

“Are you going to keep staring at me or are you going to kiss me?” Lelouch purrs.

“I believe you already know the answer to that.  You always know what I want and need,” Suzaku replies.

“I try.”

No.  Lelouch doesn’t have to ‘try’.  He always ‘does’ things exactly the way he wants them to turn out.

Case in point, he jumps into Suzaku’s arms once again, joining their lips together in a passionate lock.  It’s almost disconcerting how easy it is to hold Lelouch up with his back on the wall of the shower.  Suzaku sets Lelouch down on the floor so that they won’t risk any concussions tonight before he wraps his hand around both their half-formed erections.  Lelouch moans into Suzaku’s mouth, his body taut.  He strains to bring his body even closer to Suzaku’s.  The hot water from the shower spray provide enough slip and side for them to basically hump each other like a couple of horny teenagers.  (Which is exactly what they _should_ be.)

Suzaku allows himself to fantasize how they relationship may have played out under different circumstances for a brief moment.  For starters, they would be organizing rendezvous in the school dorms, not in the Pendragon palace.  Lelouch wouldn’t be royalty and Suzaku wouldn’t be an Honorary Britannian Soldier.  Hell, Area Eleven wouldn’t exist either.  Lelouch would be a visiting student who had more than a passing interest in Suzaku.  They wouldn’t have had a ticking time bomb placed on their love.  Nor would they alternate between betrayals and lovemaking.

But that is all just a fantasy.  His reality is a lover who has placed the weight of the world unto himself and the hatred of everyone alongside it. 

“Suzaku?” Lelouch asks.  “What are you thinking about when we’re supposed to be having sex?”

“Sorry.  Uhm, I don’t know.  I guess my mind wandered off.  I was sort of thinking about how we could have met differently.”

Lelouch smirks.  He slides Suzaku’s hand off and returns his hands to behind Suzaku’s neck.  “As mere students?  I don’t think we would have gotten along so well from the beginning.  We would have been like the main couple in your typical romance novel.  I’d be the cool new transfer student; you’d be the jock that everyone likes.  I turn out to be an asshole but you have to be nice to me since the teacher asked you.”

“How am I supposed to fall for you if you are an asshole?” Suzaku plays along.

“You’d fall for my looks, obvious,” Lelouch’s voice trails off when Suzaku swipes his thumb over the slit of their cocks.  “Joking aside, I suppose you’d decide that I’m not that insufferable once you discover that I dote on my family.  Perhaps we would go run after a cat together.”

Suzaku kisses Lelouch.  He swallows Lelouch’s moans, sensing that Lelouch is close from his taut muscles.

“And then?” he whispers against Lelouch’s lips.

“I’d wait for you to confess to me.  My pride won’t allow me to confess first unless I am under direct duress no matter what kind of world I live in.”

Lelouch nips Suzaku’s lower lip and tugs at it playfully.  “Are we gonna continue this fantasy or are you gonna finish me off?”

“You are quite the devil,” Suzaku mumbles.  He sinks to his knees and takes Lelouch’s erection into his mouth.

“Mmm, yes.  That is what the people call me now,” Lelouch moans.  “Suzaku, harder!”

Suzaku hollows out his cheeks and sucks harder until he can taste the bitterness splash down the back of his throat.  He comes soon after, only need a few strokes from his hand.

“Don’t you fall asleep on me now,” Suzaku warns, standing up.  He lets the water wash away the mess.  He pumps out some shampoo and lathers up his hair.

“I thought you were going to wash me down,” Lelouch pouts, shampooing his hair.

“You said that I stink!” Suzaku points out.

“So?  You can pamper me first and then tend to yourself.”

Suzaku laughs.  “You’re royalty, alright.  Do you want me to do the rest for you?”

“Never mind.  I need my beauty sleep after all.  If you put your hands on me again, I won’t want to let you leave for hours.”

“Sure thing, Your Majesty.”

 

 

~

 

 

Suzaku is utterly bored now that he is back in the palace.  He has had to submit written reports of the battles but writing out the battle records didn’t take long.  He wonders how he will go down in history.  Will he be painted as the hero who fought for Britannia or be written off as a traitor who could never decide in which country his heart lay?

Dinner time comes and goes.  He doesn’t see the emperor in the dining hall.  When he asks the kitchen staff, they confirm that the emperor hasn’t been to the dining hall all day.

He worries his lower lip between his teeth.  He doesn’t know where the boundaries for him and Lelouch lie, even though their lives are tangled up in one another.  But what kind of a knight would he be if he watched his lord and Emperor waste away.

He talks with the chef, who happily cooks up a batch of soup when Suzaku expresses his concern that Lelouch may have lost his appetite due to stress.  He doesn’t dare help out, only touch the food when he has to carry the tray to Lelouch’s room.

Now that he is in front of the door, he raises his loosely clenched fist and knocks.

“Yes?” Lelouch says from beyond the door.

“It’s Suzaku,” Suzaku answers.  “I, uh, brought you something to eat.”

He can picture the slight frown on Lelouch’s face all too well.  “Come in,” Lelouch allows after a heavy pause.

The Emperor’s bedroom is tidy, not a single piece of decoration out of place.  A leather-bound book lies open on one of the coffee tables, surrounded by an untouched cup of tea, plate of finger foods that are equally untouched, and a chessboard with his pieces strewn atop it.

“The chef and other kitchen staff told me you skipped dinner again,” Suzaku accuses.  He isn’t sure what kind of tone to use with Lelouch at a time like this. “So I asked them to cook something you can eat easily.  You can’t go around skipping meals when you have a country to rule, Lelouch.”

Lelouch smirks.  “Are you trying to mother me, my Knight of Zero?”

“If that’s what it takes you to eat a damn soup, then yes.”

His smirk grows into a grin.  Uh-oh.  Suzaku is extremely familiar with that glint in Lelouch’s eyes.

“Feed me since you claim to be so concerned for my state of well-being,” Lelouch orders.  “I don’t make a habit of eating when I don’t feel like it, Suzaku.”

“Well, I don’t feel like playing the obedient knight when you are abusing your body like this.  Now come sit at the coffee table.”

Lelouch raises an eyebrow, poised and elegant as he lounges on a couch.  With dramatic sigh, he stands up and walks over to the coffee table.

“You are one ballsy knight to be ordering the Emperor around.  Any other Emperor would have your head for such impudence.”

Suzaku sets the table for Lelouch and remains standing.  “You did say that I am a knight unlike any other.  I am your friend before I am one of your subjects, Lelouch.  Please do well to remember that.”

“A friend, am I?” Lelouch repeats.  He picks up the spoon and twirls it between his fingers.  “Just a friend.”

Suzaku blushes.  “What are we then?  Lovers?  I thought it was too late to . . . try and define what we have.”

“We can be lovers if that’s what you want us to be,” Lelouch says with a small smile curving his lips.  “ _Koibito_.  That has a nice ring to it.”

Suzaku can feel the heat on his cheeks growing.  “You know, it’s not fair how you keep learning the little Japanese words to spring on me.”

“You’re pouting.  Cute,” Lelouch rests his chin on his hands.  He cocks his head as though calculating something.

“Feed me,” Lelouch says.  He drops the spoon into the bowl.  “You want me to be fed so you had best do the job yourself.”

“Wh-what?  What are you saying, Lelouch?  Don’t make it sound like you skipped meals out of laziness.”

“Not really.  But I would really appreciate it if my _boyfriend_ fed me dinner.  Ideally, you’d come up to my chambers with a breakfast in bed but this will do.”

“Y-you—you are a real piece of work!”

Lelouch grins.  “Is that how you speak to your Emperor?  Impudent and thoughtless, Knight of Zero.  Then again, I always knew that you were a muscle-head.”

The way he is sat, legs crossed and his head on his hands delicately, lends him an extremely royal aura.  Suzaku has never thought of Lelouch as proper royalty, especially when they first met at the shrine all those years ago.  Even now, garbed in his gaudy, bejewelled clothes, Lelouch looks like the same Lelouch that Suzaku has always known, albeit thinner and wearier.

“As you wish, Your Majesty.”

For the first few bites, Lelouch plays nice.  After a couple minutes have passed, however, he gets mischievous.  The way he wraps his lips around the spoon makes it seem as though he is holding something else in his mouth that is attached to Suzaku.  He slurps the soup down, creating loud gulping noises as he does so.

“Aha?” Lelouch’s eyes dart down to Suzaku’s crotch.  Suzaku fights the urge to cover himself.

“You planned this from the moment you saw me come in with food,” Suzaku accuses.

“Naturally.  I simply created the best conditions for me to get to my objective.”

“You’re still looking tired so I’ll go and—hey!”

Lelouch slides off the couch to his knees, kneeling directly in front of Suzaku.

“I’m not going to let this go to waste,” Lelouch murmurs.  “Besides, you have too much stamina.  It’s best that you let it out before I join in on the fun.”

Suzaku stares at Lelouch as the Emperor licks the tip of his cock.  The Emperor of Britannia kneeling on the floor as he sexually services his knight. It would cause a scandal were anyone to get a scoop on this.

That doesn’t matter.  He shouldn’t be distracted by his own thoughts.  He has to enjoy all the time he and Lelouch have left together.

After all, their time together is limited.

 

 

~

 

 

Lelouch does his best to conceal it, but Suzaku can see it nonetheless.  He keeps losing weight, his clothes growing too loose and unshapely faster than his tailors can remeasure him and remake the clothes.  Beneath the calm façade and straightened shoulders, Suzaku sees their impending fate lurking in Lelouch’s every word, every posed smile, every gesture, and every breath.  It has gotten worse since the capture of his old comrades.

“You should talk to him,” C.C. suggests.

“Shit!” Suzaku swears.  The ‘witch’, as Lelouch calls her half the time, has appeared seemingly out of thin air.  “You scared me.”

C.C. cocks her head to the side, her marigold eyes staring right into Suzaku’s jade-eyes.  “For the esteemed Knight of Zero, you sure lack awareness.”

“That’s because I’m supposed to be relaxing on the palace grounds, not in the middle of a battle,” Suzaku retorts.  It always fazes Suzaku to see the girl scantily clad no matter where they are.  Sometimes she would wear the outfit that seems to be a hybrid of the Zero costume and Suzaku’s new knight outfit.  Other times, she struts around in a short, white tank top and white shorts.  He has even seen the girl walking around in a straightjacket.  Today she is wearing what is basically underwear, forcing Suzaku’s gaze away from her body.

“Oya oya?  Isn’t it the Knight of Zero’s duty to guard His Majesty?”

“I’m sure he is safe surrounded by his slave-soldiers,” Suzaku spits out.

“You really are an odd one, Kururugi Suzaku,” C.C. observes.  “You despise the power of Geass and yet here you are.  Even when you turned in Lelouch to Charles with your own hands, your heart never left him.  Now that the entire world has turned its back on him you are the only one who still chose to remain by his side.”

“It’s because I love him.  Simple as that.  You talk as if you aren’t on Lelouch’s side, why is that?”

C.C.’s eyes sparkle.  “Ah, love.  The magical ingredient that can fix all the wrongs in the world.  I’m old, Suzaku, much older than what my outer appearance suggests.  But in the centuries that I was cursed to live I never came across this ‘true love’.”  She ignores Suzaku’s question in favour of her own lecture. 

“Have you ever thought that the whole ‘love’ business is nothing but a sour excuse that humans came up with to explain away the irrational behaviours?  Science has proven that love is nothing but a hormone irregularity that persists for two to three years.  Can you be so sure that you won’t regret all the sins and deeds you have committed in the name of love?  Have you no doubt that you won’t live to regret killing the love of your life with a blade thrust by your own hands?”

Suzaku glares up at her.  “How dare you mock our love when it was you who kept taunting Lelouch to own up to his feelings?  Lelouch told me about you.  He said that you wanted him to kill you since he is the only one who can.  I think you’re just bitter since he won’t be able to carry out his end of the bargain when the Zero Requiem succeeds.”

C.C. laughs.  “Both you and the Emperor put up a brave front but you’re so childish inside.  Listen, _boy_ , I am not so petty that I’ll get jealous over some guy who thinks he can save the world with his orchestrated death.  I was just expanding your options to the cold truths of this world.”

“Which was wholly unnecessary,” Lelouch’s voice floats down the garden path.  The pair of guards who accompanied him are dismissed with a flick of his wrist.  “Don’t you have better things to do with your time, witch?”

“Clearly, I need to find a hobby or two,” C.C. answers breezily.  “Think knitting will suit me?”

“I don’t know why you try to be funny.  Leave now.”

C.C. puts on a sour expression.  “Aww, I was just getting to the fun part.  I think I would have liked you better if you weren’t so bossy.  Remember, safe sex is good sex, boys!  I hear that you can get something like carpet burns so be gentle with him, Suzaku-kun!”

Suzaku averts his eyes when the two of them are finally left alone.  Lelouch could not have picked a worse time to come find him.

“She means well,” Lelouch says with a shrug.  “I think.”

“I’m sure she does.  I guess I can’t fault her for sharing her wisdom.  She _has_ lived for centuries,” Suzaku agrees.

“You wouldn’t call that living,” Lelouch corrects him.  “She always said it felt more like existing outside of the flow of time.”

“Now that sounds tragic,” Suzaku comments.  “And to think that you would have walked the same path if you chose a different path for yourself.”

Suzaku stands behind Lelouch awkwardly as the Emperor sits down on the grass by the artificial pond.  Silence hangs heavy between them until Suzaku breaks it.

“You don’t have to worry for me,” Suzaku says, carefully testing the words as they tumble out of his mouth.  “I won’t live to regret following with our plan.  I will never regret the fact that I love you, Lelouch.  I know that there is no going back and if we were to reborn into a different world, in a better time, I will fall in love with you all over again.”

Lelouch smiles, his whole face tender but also impassioned.  “With the whole world crumbling, we pick this time to fall in love.”

“Why do you always know the right thing to say?” Suzaku complains half-heartedly.

“Not always,” Lelouch says, touching his nose to Suzaku’s.  “Sometimes I borrow the words.”

“Still not fair,” Suzaku retorts.  He chuckles when he glances at Lelouch’s face.  Lelouch pats the spot next to him, prompting Suzaku to sit next to him.

“Lend me your lap,” Lelouch asks, moving to lie down on Suzaku’s lap.  “I didn’t get to sleep well last night.

Suzaku’s eyes narrow.  _But you haven’t been sleeping well every night since the Black Knights were captured_.

“I guess even the Emperor needs to be spoiled from time to time,” Suzaku teases.

“Yeah, yeah.  Please do shut up so I can rest up for a bit.”

Suzaku bends over so he can press his lips to Lelouch’s temple.  “Yes, Your Majesty.”

_Always.  I will always follow your orders if that is what it takes to right my wrongs._

 

 

~

 

 

Suzaku pauses in his undressing when a loud knock sounds from his bedroom door. 

“Come in,” he invites automatically without giving it a thought.

The door cracks open and reveals Lelouch stood by the threshold.  The Emperor looks so frail and pale, the hue of his skin blending into the white of his silk dressing gown.

“Hey,” Lelouch says without a trace of seduction in his voice.  His eyes look extra-round ringed with dark circles.  “I was wondering if I could sleep here tonight.”

“Oh.”  Suzaku slaps himself mentally for the brilliant reply.  “I thought you might want to spend tonight by yourself since, you know . . . tomorrow we’re going to . . .”

He doesn’t have to finish his sentence for the full meaning of his word to sink like anchor between them.  Nerves wrap their tendrils around Suzaku’s stomach, making him feel as though he will throw up any second now.

Lelouch’s brows knit up slightly.  “Sorry.  I’ll go back if you wanted to be alone tonight.”

“N-no!” Suzaku blurts out just in time for Lelouch to turn away from him.  It looks and feels odd when Lelouch’s back is almost facing him as they speak.  “I thought you might want to be alone.  Plus, I was lost in my own thoughts.  Stop standing in the doorway awkwardly and come in already.”

The corner of Lelouch’s mouth twitches up in a ghost of a smile.  “Thanks.”

The usual bravado of the Emperor is absent as the eighteen-year-old man walks into Suzaku’s room, shutting the door behind him.  His thin shoulders are drooping and it’s a miracle that Lelouch hasn’t dropped to the floor in exhaustion.  Suzaku has seen how Lelouch overworked himself in the past couple of months leading up to the big event tomorrow.

“You need to take better care of yourself, Your Majesty,” Suzaku teases, gathering Lelouch into his arms to help him onto his bed.

“It hardly matters now,” Lelouch deadpans.  “Tomorrow, when we arrive in Japan, we must both play out our parts without the smallest mistake.  You must give me what you promised, Suzaku.”

Suzaku smiles.  The backs of his eyes feel hot.  “You are literally putting the weight of the world on my shoulders, Lelouch.”  He swallows against the dryness in his mouth.  “Of course.  I will carry out our plan without a hitch.  You said it yourself: there is nothing that we cannot do together.”

“Yes, and that is true.”

Suzaku blinks rapidly.  How can Lelouch be so calm?  It’s not fair.  Ever since Suzaku has met the then-prince, he has been playing an impossible game of catch-up.  He thought he had finally reached Lelouch’s pedestal when he received the title of Knight of the Round.  He knew that he earned the place by Lelouch’s side when Lelouch named him the Knight of Zero.

Then why did he still feel like he didn’t belong?

 _“Daijoubu dayo,”_ Lelouch whispers.  He kisses the tears that are flowing down Suzaku’s cheeks.  “These tears mean that you have a human heart, Suzaku.  You’re not weak; you never have been.  You are the strongest person I ever met and I’m lucky to call you mine and myself yours.”

“Le-Lelouch,” Suzaku chokes out.  Lelouch wraps his arms around Suzaku.  It feels like Lelouch’s twig-thin arms are all that is keeping him from shattering to pieces.

“I understand that I am asking a lot from you,” Lelouch murmurs.  “But know that as long as you hold on to your memories, they will hold on to you.  _I_ will hold on to you even in death.”

Suzaku sniffles, “That sounds like the Lelouch I know and love.”

He nuzzles Lelouch’s hand as he caresses the side of his face.  “There comes a time when every rose has to die; I simply chose when and how I will fall off the stem.”

Lelouch gently tilts Suzaku’s face up so that they are gazing into each other’s eyes.

“Suzaku,” he says, voice as softer as the spring breeze.  “Let’s make tonight our wedding night.”

“Huh?” is Suzaku’s eloquent reply.  He clears his throat, following Lelouch to his own bed and sitting side by side.

“Will you take me as yours until my very last breath?  I want to die knowing that _you_ knew that my heart only ever belonged to you.”

“You can’t. . . you can’t ask to marry me on the eve of your death, Lelouch—a death that you orchestrated yourself, no less!  It’s not fair, Lelouch, it’s not fair.  You are no different than the royals despised, thinking you can waltz in and get whatever you want.”

Lelouch smiles, his thumb stroking the top of Suzaku’s hand.  “I know I’m asking an immense favour of you when I already have so much riding on your shoulders.  However, I am asking you this because you are the only one who can do everything I ask of you.”

“You should have called me up to your room if this was your intention all along,” Suzaku gives up.  He resumes undressing himself, only to be stopped by Lelouch.  Lelouch unzips Suzaku’s trousers and tugs them off along with his underwear.  The raw lust and want in Lelouch’s amethyst eyes is impossible to resist.

“Too obvious,” Lelouch rejects.  He wraps his hand around Suzaku’s dick.  It is almost embarrassing to see how quick Suzaku’s body is to respond to Lelouch’s touches.  “Besides, I prefer the intimacy of your bed.  My own bed feels too huge even when we sleep in it together.”

Suzaku bites on his lips.  Watching Lelouch stroke him to a full erection is way too mesmerising.  Suzaku is one second from missing it when Lelouch changes positions so that he is straddling the knight.

“Wait!” Suzaku stops him.  “We need condoms and pr-prepare you and stuff. . .”

“It’s fine,” Lelouch assures him.  He sinks down a few inches, taking in the first few inches of Suzaku’s cock.  A quiet moan escapes his mouth, his grips tightening on Suzaku’s shoulders.  “I took care of the boring part myself earlier.”

“I think I would have liked to see it for myself,” Suzaku mumbles.

Lelouch snickers.  “You forget who you’re speaking to.  Why don’t you be a good boy for me and stay still.  I don’t want your idiotic strength to end this too early.”

Half of Suzaku wants to argue but he also knows that Lelouch is right.  Whilst it is laughably easy for Suzaku to overpower Lelouch physically, especially with Lelouch’s current body condition, Suzaku wants this moment to last.  If this is to be their wedding night, he doesn’t want the sun to ever come up and commence the Zero Requiem.  He wants the moon to rule the skies forever and forever until Suzaku’s heart is ready.

“You shouldn’t strain your head so much,” Lelouch scolds, his fingertips gliding up to Suzaku’s neck.  He kisses Suzaku on the corner of his mouth, his touches light as feather on Suzaku’s heated skin.  “Your poor brain is not used to you thinking so hard.”

Suzaku thrusts up, delighting in the helpless sound that falls out of Lelouch’s slack lips.  “You shouldn’t be so smug given your current position.  I can overpower you even if you were to have my hands tied behind my back.”

Lelouch keeps his butt flush with Suzaku’s thighs as he swivels his hips.  He throws his head back and moans loudly.  “Kinky.  To bad we don’t have time for that tonight.  Perhaps we should have expanded more time to explore your kinks.”

“Very funny.”

Suzaku lifts his hands to cup Lelouch’s face.  Lelouch doesn’t look scared at all.  Even as his face is consumed with bodily pleasures and greed, he is not ruled by those.  He kisses Lelouch to disperse his thoughts, to forget if only for a few seconds why he is able to hold Lelouch like this.

 

Afterwards, Lelouch makes no move to get dressed so Suzaku doesn’t either.  He does have to leave the bed so he can grab a towel for himself and Lelouch.  Lelouch is a clean freak through and through and he doesn’t want to start the morning by listening to Lelouch’s complaint about crusted . . . fluids.

“Don’t you agree that the Zero Requiem is romantic in some way?” Lelouch springs the question out of the blue.  He has tucked himself in under the blanket, concealing his body from Suzaku’s view.

“Uhm, I don’t follow.  There is nothing romantic about death.”

Lelouch smirks.  “I meant dying by the hands of the one you love.   Your face will be one of the last faces that I will see in this life.  That face behind Zero’s mask will forever be etched into my memory.”

Suzaku clenches his teeth.  “Memories don’t exist for the dead.  It is the living who carry on the memories of the beloved.”

“My, my.  We have quite the poet here.”

“You’re forcing me to share your pain.  I can’t amend or avoid it.  I thought it was your pride that caused you to keep the pain to yourself.”

Lelouch touches Suzaku’s cheek and he leans into the warmth of it.  “You had the choice to say no; you never did.”

Suzaku turns his face to kiss the palm.

“Hey, Suzaku, you and I were accomplices long before I devised the Zero Requiem,” Lelouch whispers as Suzaku wraps an arm around him.  “You told me that you would make me Emperor.  From that moment on, we both cemented our fate as sinners.”

“So my killing my own father did not make me a sinner?” Suzaku muses.

“You didn’t mean it, you told me so and that is the truth that I will always believe in.  A kid wouldn’t have known how strong he was.  You say I burden myself with pain but you do the same.  Share it with me as I will share mine with you.”

“You are the only who can say that and mean it,” Suzaku mutters.

“I was born a sinner thanks to my bloodline.  Even as a child I wasn’t free from the curse of the royal blood.”

Suzaku does the best that he can with the dry towel.  Lelouch’s lips curl up into a smile when the fluffy fabric tickles his tummy.

“The family you were born into was not a curse.  The fact that your father had those mad plans wasn’t your fault.  The only ‘curse’ you carry is the Geass that you chose over meaningless death in Shinjuku.”

Lelouch shrugs.  “You could say that.  Let’s go to sleep already.  We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow, Knight of Zero.”

“Alright.  If that is what Your Majesty wishes,” Suzaku jokes.  He wraps his arms around Lelouch and tucks him in tight.

“Good night, Suzaku,” Lelouch whispers, folding his arms over Suzaku’s.

“Good night, Lelouch.”

 

Lelouch listens for Suzaku’s breathing to slow down.  He turns so he can face his lover.  Their bedroom is dark with only the stars and the moon to provide a pale glow that washes out Suzaku’s already boring bedroom.  Suzaku’s handsome face looks relaxed and happy, no longer the lost in his efforts to try to find a just cause in the cruel, unjust world.

“‘For aught that I could ever read, could ever hear by tale or history, the course of true love never did run smooth; but either it was different in blood’,” Lelouch whispers.

Suzaku stirs in his sleep, shifting his weight and tightening his arms around Lelouch.  Lelouch worries for a second that his knight may have awoken but his eyes are still closed tight with nary a line creasing into a frown on his face.

Lelouch smiles to himself and buries his face in the warmth of Suzaku’s broad chest.  The only home he used to know was wherever Nunnally was.  It is almost scary how quickly his home came to mean where Suzaku could hold him close like this.

“Hey, Suzaku,” Lelouch murmurs.  The steady rise and fall of Suzaku’s chest is soothing, almost enough to lull him to a peaceful sleep.  “I have more to tell you than I could say in a hundred words.  There are so many things that I still want to—need to—tell you.  Alas, fate is a cruel mistress and I sealed my own fate a long time ago when I decided to use this Geass power of mine to achieve my goals. I feel like I have no choice but to keep with my hands tied dancing to the tune of my own creation.  But I’m glad that you chose me and our love over vengeance. 

“Did you know that I no longer regret all the choices I made as Zero?  Of course you don’t; if you ever did find out, you will surely grow to resent me.  At first, I had a healthy dose of fear for this new ability.  I almost threw up whenever I thought about how easily I could kill people with it.  Now . . . now deaths have become a part of my life.  First my half-brother, and Euphemia whom I loved . . . I even killed my own parents.  Without my power as Emperor, I deserve to be put on the death row.

“You probably already know but Arthur loves you more than she lets on.  I’ve seen her curl up at your feet when you fall asleep on the couch.  Sometimes, she will sneak onto our bed to curl up between us.  You never notice him when she is here and Arthur will scratch me if she finds out that I told you this.  I guess it won’t count since you’re asleep.

“I never said ‘thank you’ for saving me.  Saving me when we met at the shrine on that summer day; saving me in Shinjuku when the soldiers thought I was an unlucky civilian; saving me from myself simply by remaining a friend to me.  Even when I was lost after I failed to be a true friend and then failed as Zero, your starry eyes when you pulled that trigger sparked up my darkest night.  Isn’t it funny?  We went at each other’s throats before I learnt that you were the literal White Knight in my personal fairy tale.  And here I am, thanking you for never giving up on pursuing my other self.”

Lelouch holds his breath when Suzaku mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like the beginning of his name in his sleep.  He pats Lelouch on the back a couple times before returning his hands to their previous position to hold him tight.  Lelouch slings his own arms around Suzaku’s neck.

“White Knights aren’t supposed to fall in love with the big bad guy, you know,” he jokes.  “You were supposed to defeat me when you had the chance and ride off into the sunset with your princess. 

“No matter how many times you and I are reborn, regardless of where the world has hidden you, I will always find my way back to you, Suzaku.  I can promise this to you as you have promised me.  Who knows, perhaps in our next lives, we will live out our love uninterrupted by war and tragedy.

“You were like the first snowfall in my heart.  When we met as kids, your presence fascinated me.  A rude, reckless child who had no qualms about being honest and crude with royalty.  Your kind heart and honesty drew me in before I realised it.  I’d never had a true friend before and it was like I received a long-awaited present in the shape of you.  Every memory we shared that summer was more beautiful than the scenery you showed me.  Breathtaking, even. 

Tears gather in Lelouch’s eyes.

“I guess it’s unfair that I never let you see me cry.  Strange, isn’t it?  I’m always telling you that crying is not a show of weakness, yet I have a hard time adhering to that statement.  Chalk it up to my pride and my reputation as the merciless demon king and Zero.”

His tears drip down his cheeks and chin, landing on Suzaku’s bare chest.  “I’m such a greedy bastard, Suzaku.  More than you know.  Even though the past few months are more than I could have ever asked for or deserve, I feel as though out rime together was no longer than a single day.  Our time together will never be enough.  You are the only one who made my heart race like this at the mere thought.”

Lelouch bids his goodbye to Suzaku’s lips, which part slightly out of reflex.

“Forgive me for not being brave enough to do this when you’re awake,” Lelouch whispers.  “But it’s the only way I know how.  If I did this tomorrow, I won’t have the strength to ask you to kill me one last time.”

He gathers Suzaku’s hands into his own and squeezes tightly, wishing that the warmth of Suzaku’s hands can lend him strength.  “I love you, Suzaku Kururugi.  I am sorry for what I asked of you.  But I am also grateful that you agreed to end my life.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  Please remain as my source of strength and bring justice and peace to this world.  That is all I ask of you.”

 

 

~

 

 

Lelouch smiles as Zero’s figure dashes down the street.  The military escort are thrown into a state of chaos as the person of monstrous skills breaks through the rounds of gun shots with ease, surpassing even Sir Jeremiah.  The Emperor smiles when the masked vigilante reaches his thrown, knocking the handgun out of his grip.

He can feel the cold embellished blade pierce through his upper body.  He can hear the echoing gasps of the crowd, some even screaming in terror and confusion.  He can see Suzaku’s tears despite the fact that his face is hidden behind Zero’s helmet; he always had a habit of dropping his gaze whenever he cried.

“Le—Lelouch!” Suzaku sobs.

“This, then shall be your punishment,” Lelouch whispers, as if time exists for the two of them alone.  “You will live on, wearing that mask, as the knight of justice.”

He brings his hand down to the wound as though to make sure that the wound is real.  His fingertips come away wet and hot.

“You will no longer live as Kururugi Suzaku,” he continues.  His hand shakes as he struggles to lift it to Suzaku’s masked face.  His bloodied fingertips leave streaks of fresh, crimson blood on the side of the helmet.

“You shall sacrifice your own ordinary pleasure to the world . . . forevermore . . .”

“This Geass . . . I solemnly accept,” Suzaku answers in a steadier voice.

Lelouch must be hallucinating from the rapid blood loss.  Behind Suzaku, two twin wings are outstretched towards the clear blue sky.  The massive tattered white wings flutter in the gentle breeze, a few feathers falling as Suzaku takes a step back to pull the sword out.  When the feathers fall, they turn grey and then black, dissipating into nothing as they touch the ground.

He looks very much like Lelouch’s personal angel of death.

“ _Arigatou_ , Suzaku.”

Without Suzaku’s body blocking him, his own weakened body tumbles down the pedestal.  He can barely feel the pain as he lands besides Nunnally.

 _This, too, shall come to pass_ , he thinks.  He has achieved peace, for the world and with himself.  He can allow himself to be happy now.  He can only think of Nunnally’s laughing face as a child.  Somehow, Suzaku’s smiling face pops up in Lelouch’s mind as well, younger, like the time when they first met.

And then, everything fades away.

 

 

~

 

 

Suzaku’s hands tremble as he takes the mask off his face.  He is now celebrated as the hero of the people, the one who ended the tyranny of Demon Emperor Lelouch.  His name will forever go down in history as a faceless hero.

He takes the cloak off and then the jacket.  As he doffs the jacket, he feels something crackle between his fingers.

There is a folded piece of paper hidden in a pocket on the jacket.  Suzaku unfolds it, only to find a letter written in Lelouch’s elegant handwriting.

 

_‘Dearest Suzaku,_

_If this letter finds itself in your hands, it can only mean one thing.  For that, I thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart._

_I have more to tell you than I could say in a hundred words.  There are so many things that I still want to—need to—tell you.  Alas, fate is a cruel mistress and I sealed my own fate a long time ago when I decided to use this Geass power of mine to achieve my goals. I feel like I have no choice but to keep with my hands tied dancing to the tune of my own creation.  But I’m glad that you chose me and our love over vengeance._

_Did you know that I no longer regret all the choices I made as Zero?  Of course you don’t; if you ever did find out, you will surely grow to resent—’_

 

“No,” Suzaku sobs.  His tears fall down his face as he sobs loudly.  He must look like a mess with his face red and wet with tears, tears that he is helpless to stop.  “I can never bring myself to resent you.  Not since I faced you again at the shrine.  Not since I . . . I agreed to the Zero Requiem.”

The teardrops fall onto the letter, blurring and smudging some of the words.  Suzaku manages to read to the end.  He clutches the letter to his heart, his sobs ripped from his chest.

“Lelouch . . . I won’t let your death be in vain.  I will serve Nunnally until my last breath.  I will never forget you and what you died for.  I will never let go, Lelouch.  Our love will live on as I hold on to our memories.”

He dries his tears with his sleeves.  “I won’t say see you soon since you won’t want that.  But I will say this to you when we meet again, be that in this world or a different world: I love you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Me too.  I love you, Suzaku.”

**Author's Note:**

> Whoooo! What a year it has been. I managed to found myself deep deep inside the Code Geass _and_ BNHA fandom. I reluctantly watched SnK (author has made disrespectful comments about Japan colonising Korea so not a lot of Koreans openly like the show).
> 
> I honestly didn't expect to like Code Geass so much. I had already been spoiled for the ending and saw the infamous fish meme. I didn't think I'd see such an interesting and lovably ~~arrogant narcissistic asshole~~ complex character like Lelouch. He and Suzaku have a long list of faults but having flawed characters make shows even better.
> 
> I also finally watched Evangelion. Unique concept but why can't anime find non-teenagers to save the world? Jokes aside, it was a show that delved into the human psyche and portrayed how ugly humanity can be. 
> 
> Anyway, 2017 was alright personally for me. Family, friends and anime definitely kept me sane and happy. Hope 2018 will bring you positivity and success!


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